So, let’s start off straight (ha!): Hi, I’m non-binary. Didn’t know? Me neither, just figured as of lately. Wanna know how that little revelation happened? Let me take you on a quick journey through languages and gender expression, shall we?
It all started with a more or less simple observation of myself here. As I put it over on Mastodon just recently, I wondered: How is it that in my native language, which is German, I feel fine with being referred to as “he/him” (“er/ihn”) – but at the same time, as soon as I talk English, it’s “he/him”, but also “they/them”? How could my own identity, the way I see myself, and even the way I express myself become more… well, “complex”, to say the least, or maybe simply more “diverse”, only just by using a different language than my native one? To be fair, the answer to that is a bit more complex itself – let’s get to it.
Everything is a (german) gender
The cow, the dog, the horse: Die Kuh (she), der Hund (he), das Pferd (it).
The pan, the pot, the sieve: Die Pfanne (she), der Topf (he), das Sieb (it).
You see the point? In German, everything is gendered. No, before you ask – there is no real sense to it as well. Everything becomes male, female or object “just because”, you simply get used to it. But maybe you also notice something is missing: That’s right – we got no “they/them”.
Let’s look at this a bit closer. So, we got “das” – but I’m sure no “das”, since “das” is used to refer to objects (*with the exception of some animals, cause… eh, “mankind owns nature” and shit, anyway). We also got an more formal “Sie” – notice the capital letter here. Same word as “sie”, but used when referring to, say, your boss, someone in a high position, someone you owe respect. The Sirs and Ladies. Nice to have such thing – but again, nothing neutral, and I’m no king (yet), so no “Sie” for me.
Thought process of translating
So, how could you actually translate “they/them” to German then? Now we gotta take a quick step back, because now we gotta talk a sec about how you actually get taught to speak another language – bear with me, I’m having a point here.
You usually start off with a few simple phrases, learn some vocabulary, some grammar, I think so far we can agree. You get some basics to understand how to structure sentences and such, right? So, in a way, you learn how to “transfer your language into another”, or, the other way around, “transfer another language into your native one”.
Now, again – how’d you transfer a neutral pronoun such as “they/them” from English into a gendered language like, say, my own: German?
You fit it into whatever form that language offers.
Which in this case means: Mostly “they/them” will become either an “he/she”, depending on the person, or just an formal “Sie”, incase that’s more appropriate.
Now, but here’s the thing: Appropriate or not – it’s also plain incorrect, isn’t it?
There IS no way you could actually translate “they/them”, cause German simply isn’t made for such concept. There are some neo-pronouns like dey/dem, and I can only speak for myself of course: It all just sounds to “scientific” and nothing “natural” like “they/them” does in English (where this is used since 1300 something), so I never related to these, at all. Even the term “non-binary” itself (or “non-binär”, German equivalent) never felt like “me”, which is mostly down to my professional context here: It is for the most part an professional term for me, cause it’s part of my job (educator / child care taker) to know about that stuff. Gladly, I might add, important topics obviously.
All words are made up
So, what exactly changed then for me? It’s not that I just started talking English – mind you, by now, it’s been over 20 years already. Why just now that I feel like I’m finally able to put a label on myself?
There’s two reasons to that: First off, I simply by far and large replaced my everyday language. At the moment, I’d assume roughly 10% of my daily use of any language is German – and 90% is just English.
I’m in a relationship for over half a year with a native-speaker, which certainly helped me widen my understanding of this (second) language. I wanna move over to the US at some point, it simply makes “sense” to use a lot of English, but while doing so, of course I also got better at it. It’s all about practice.
By now, English “feels” almost native to me, hence my deeper understanding of the possibilities of this language – especially when compared to German. And as an side effect, I stopped translating “they/them” – as mentioned above, you can’t properly translate it anyway. Still, of course, I always tried. Still, of course, I always tried to press it into the “German form”. It’s how we learn to “translate”.
Change of bubbles
But beside my wider understanding of this different language, the other major reason is: I dropped out of the gaming bubble for the most part, only to replace it with more music folks and furries.
Now, hear me out here. As much as I love gaming, it simply is a male-dominated hobby, still. There is more representation, which is good, but overall, the majority of this community is male. So, little thought experiment here for you:
Imagine you’re in the middle of an competitive match, when suddenly someone in your team goes AFK and you’re about to loose. Now, someone in your team chat goes like: “That bastard!”, someone else suggests “report him”.
I guess if you’re a bit into gaming yourself you might agree that this is pretty much a usual conversation in any game with a multiplayer component to it. Yes, there’s other communities, I know – but a general tone overall exists. This is really just a standard dialogue within the gaming bubble.
So – noticed it yourself? “He”? When exactly did anyone reveal their gender again? Exactly – but hey, mostly it will be a male, right? Assumptions affect how a language is used, and in this overall (at least seemingly) male-dominated space, this simply means: “He/him” for everyone, cause it’s (again, seemingly) most probably true then anyway.
Now, back to the music / furry bubble. I join some random stream on Twitch, nobody knows me obviously, I follow, the streamer thanks me: “Oh, hey, Red, thanks for the follow, you stream as well?! Hey, can some of my mods please give them a shoutout?”
Again, I think you noticed it yourself: I didn’t get referred to as “he” this time around, instead folks mostly use “they/them” when referring to someone without knowing their gender, or if the gender simply just doesn’t matter.
Topics like mental healths, awareness and a generally more open mindset are quite common in these bubbles, but most importantly: You often find a safe space. No matter if you look into the overall very playful and friendly furry fandom (and I am not even a furry, I just dig the creativity), or if you look a bit around the music bubble, where people really connect (through the universal language “music” – that’s a topic for another time!) and often try to ‘making a rough day better with a tune or two’ – the majority tries to include everyone.
This usually applies not only to the content creators themselves, but for the most parts also their individually curated communities surrounding them. Suffice to say, an inclusive language does play a major part in making anyone feel welcomed, and these folks try their best to remember all the names in their chats including all the various pronouns (especially when it comes to regulars, obviously) – or they simply go with the neutral “they/them” quite often, cause it does include everyone.
Who am I?
Now that’s a question people would most probably like to have an answer to, right? So, how about this: Most people assume I’m “male”, thus I get referred to as “he/him”, in both languages. Don’t get me wrong: I do be having a dick, so there’s that. But other than that?
Whenever people referred to me as “man”, that never felt quite right for me. Most people should know my look by now (hint: you can see me here) – no huge muscles, not an impressive back, skinny, slim, pale. I’m not sure where you see a “man” here, but I sure don’t, at least not in the classic, stereotypical sense.
My interests don’t make it any better: Sure, I’m a nerdy-techy guy, and sure, I had all He-Man figures back then. But I also owned some Barbie and was always down for some “tea with the plushies” with my cousin when she asked for it? Sports suck btw, and yes, soccer nation Germany can do it’s thing, just, please leave me be with all that nonsense, alright? You get the point. I’d spent the most part of my teenage years hanging in the library instead. Go figure.
So, what am I then, if not a “man”? I’m also clearly not a “female”, mind you. But… that’s all there is. I’m not an object as well – anything else? Nope? Ah, too bad – as long as you stick it to German. There’s either male or female – you gotta fit in, somehow. So, alright, male it is then, I guess. Not exactly, but it’s not that I had other options, so it was “as close as it can get”.
Languages are powerful
So, let that all sink in for a sec.
I switched my mainly used language from German to English, and I changed from a male-dominated bubble to more diverse ones. That’s all there is, really. But: Boy, this did have an impact on me:
For the first time in my life, I was constantly referred to with the correct pronouns for myself: “They/them”.
No wonder it felt so good to be referred to as “they/them”: It was simply who I am. The change of languages and the change of bubbles enabled me to find new ways to explore and express myself. It’s this question I stopped asking myself a long time ago: “Who am I?” There was no point in asking it much to begin with: There was no answer to be found.
I was simply looking at the wrong language.
I am not male. I’m simply non-binary. That’s exactly the whole point of that non-binary thing: I don’t have to “fit in”. But: I only figured once I stopped using my native language mainly.
Not non-existant, but non-binary
That in a way almost elevated myself, cause only now I finally got an answer to that “who am I” which I somehow buried deep inside of me: I’m neither male nor female – and there is a word for that.
By using another language than my native one, I allowed myself to be exposed to a different understanding of gender, and hence was able to finally figure what I always felt inside, but was never able to really express properly and precisely: I am indeed a bit different. Nothing wrong about that.
But: While using my native language, I was basically non-existant. Now I “am”. You might imagine what kind of an emotional impact that might have on someone to finally be able to put an label on oneself, simply because you figure: there IS a label.
Representation in a language itself matters
So, since you’re still sticking around as it seems: Might we simply agree on the importance of inclusion in a language itself? Because by now one thing should be very clear: It took me 40+ years before I was able to wrap my head around the whole non-binary thing and made it *click* – and that’s just cause my language lacks some words? And a word I know for years, but never “really” understood it, cause it was simply never taught properly?
Open communities like the ones I experienced should be a good example on why such gender-neutral communication can be key. And while I think that neo-pronouns like “dey/dem” are indeed a good approach (language *must* evolve, otherwise we’d all still talk like Shakespear holy shit), another approach could be to properly teach a language. Not only how to transfer and fit it into whatever your native form might be – but the possibilities it offers.
We got one word for snow. The Inuit got about 50 different words for it. Think about it.
The more diverse a language, the more precise it can be. And if only to finally put a name on yourself:
Hi. I’m Red – and I’m non-binary. 🏳️⚧️
PS: Having a partner who not only encourages you to “be yourself”, but actively supports you on your journey and replies to the whole “hey, I might be non-binary, is that ok for you?” with an simple “I love you no matter what”? Priceless. Can recommend. No, you gotta find your own one for yourself – this one is mine and I’ll be putting a ring on that one at some point.
PPS: Worth noting, while actually doing some research, especially when it comes to terms like “language”, “gender expression” or “gender identity” (while looking for an answer as to why I react that emotionally to “they/them”), I stumbled upon this very interesting article about just that: “What happens if you’re genderqueer – but your native language is gendered?“
In case you’re interested in this topic, I’d highly recommend giving this a good read – it was literally an eye-opener and quite mind-blowing for myself and helped me more than just a bit to understand my inner thought process.
redmaker.net 